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December 29, 2005
We have been invaded
My boss hired a hippie. That's right, a real life, long haired stupid person. Ponytail and goatee aside, he's almost presentable, he wears real shoes instead of sandals, but I don't think he's washed his hair since he started working last month. His job entails being on the phone all day, everyday, but he's not, he's surfing the net. Even worse, when he does work them phones, he talks in monotone. I swear, he sounds like a robot on valuim and I've taken to playing a radio to cover up the sound of his voice.
He is, of course, a vegetarian, and offended by what we have for lunch. The other day, he told us that fruit was the Ferrari of food. WTF??????
So, I have to do something, but what can I do? In desperation, I turned to the internet, and lo! I found this:
These days, workplace laws on hiring and firing are a lot more stringent than they used to be. But take a leaf from the book of your forefathers, men whose business acumen meant that when they fired someone, they really fired them. Into space, in some memorable instances. This one time, in Russia, they sent a whole bunch of people into space, just because they were lazy, and wouldn’t make shoes. True story.
Wow. Now that would be an excellent idea, except, our office doesn't have any space ships, darn it, and I couldn't find any in the Office Depot catalog. The article did have another suggestion:
We’ve taken the step of preparing a speech for you to deliver should you find that your hippie is proving as difficult to move as the stains on his eyeballs from where he’s been sticking hypodermic syringes because all of his veins have collapsed from shooting up marijuana. And fly spray.
Simply read this prepared statement and all will be well.
“Dear Hippie,
As you may be aware I, as head of this company, have decided that your period of employment is about to come to an abrupt end. This is because you’re untrustworthy, refuse to wash and won’t stop crapping on about Bob Dylan and his friend Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Whoever, or whatever, Lucy may be, this is a place of business, not some North Korean commune where you and friends can fornicate and take drugs and listen to records and drink whiskey and cavort and have loads and loads of babies. I simply won’t stand for it.
I’ve taken the liberty of packing your belongings – you will find them in a large and dishevelled pile directly beneath this window. See? Just down there… you’ll see them all much better if you lean out the window…yes…that’s right… just a little further… that’s the way…”
Then it’s just a simple ‘oops!’, and they’re gone.
No more forced bonhomie around the water cooler discussing the relative hilarities of AIDS in the third world, the unforgivable anger of the Christian Right or who would win an arm wrestle, Gerry Garcia or the combined strength of Peter, Paul and Mary. Your hippie will be gone, and the world will be a much, much better place.
We trust that you’ve found this pamphlet useful, and we encourage you to share it with your friends.
Well, I don't think I can get the boss to do that yet, and even so, our office is on the first floor.
Oh well. If anyone has any ideas...
Posted by LindaSoG at December 29, 2005 06:44 AM
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Comments
Hang a picture of the President where he can see it all day. Maybe he'll leave.
Posted by: Jackie at December 29, 2005 04:44 PM
Linda,
What is your boss smoking/snorting?
P'haps you need to replace your boss first.
Posted by: Felis at December 30, 2005 08:02 PM
Throw soap at him. Tell him he needs it to enhance his Karma......man.
Posted by: Patrick at December 31, 2005 08:07 PM
Now there's a thought Jackie!
Posted by: LindaSoG at January 1, 2006 03:13 AM
Felis, I love my boss, he's a really nice guy, too nice sometimes.
The hippy is the brother of one of his friends.
Posted by: LindaSoG at January 1, 2006 03:14 AM
Remember the scope commercials Patrick?
Maybe a botttle of shampoo in his drawer?
Posted by: LindaSoG at January 1, 2006 03:15 AM