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January 21, 2008
One Tin Moonbat...
Yes, Billy Jack is back, er, I mean Tom Laughlin is back and running for President! Yep, it's true, together with his sidekick Jean and lots and lots of your money, Billy Jack is going to save the world! Yup.
How can he do that, you ask? Well, in case you didn't know, Billy Jack is imminently qualified to save America and the rest of the World based upon his bad acting in a low-budget cult movie from 30-some years ago. Yes, because that's how Hollywood works. It's true! Just ask Barbra Streisand or Sean Penn.
So. Bad acting aside, what can we expect from President Billy Jack? Well, only the end of the War in Iraq, Peace on Earth, and Good Will Towards Man, that's right, because Billy Jack has got a Plan. That's right, a Plan.
What is this Plan you ask?
Well, according to the "Official Billy Jack Website" Billy Jack has a plan to save the world, starting with Iraq:
Billy's Plan is... "a realistic, immediately doable Exit Plan - “Give back the Oil – Bring home the Troops” Plan - that will immediately end the insane daily flow of the blood of American heroes and innocent Iraqi civilian women and children, bring real stability and peace to Iraq, and bring our troops home in six months!!
Wow, Yay! We're saved!
That's right kiddies, Billy Jack has "The brilliant, realistic Exit Plan to exit Iraq immediately" which is premised upon the “demon/Satan” Americans" (that would be us) getting out of Iraq and forcing "a coalition from Russia, China, France etc." to take over the rebuilding of Iraq and Afghanistan. Iraq of course, will pay them for the rebuilding effort with oil! That's right! Forget about Oil for Food and bring on Oil for Reconstruction! That Billy Jack is a genius!
Now how does this Plan come about? Well, The first step involves checkbooks, your checkbooks, as according to the website:
"We need money, we need funding badly, desperately."
So we ask you, we ask you for your help. We need it desperately. WE’re starting from scratch with nothing. We need all of you to contact every anti-war group you can think of, email them, have them go to our website, send a message to them. Contact everybody you can who is against the parties, the politicians that are running. Help us. Email them, fax, call them, send them to our website.
Oh and... "Donations are not tax deductible. There is not [sic] limit to the amount you can donate, and no donation is too small."
Billy Jack and Jean even have catchy slogans for us: “Give back the oil – Bring home the Troops” and “No more orphans for Halliburton Oil.” Both are original ideas that are sure to catch on!
Is Billy Jack's Plan viable? Of course it is, because 87% of Americans approve of it, regardless of party! That's right, and Billy Jack has a poll of 374 Americans (61% of whom were Republicans!) that "proves that once Americans learn of this “Give back the oil – Bring home the troops” Exit Plan, 87% of them want this Exit Plan enacted now."
Yes, you read that correctly, that would be now, as in right now! Wow! Of course, last year, Billy Jack's website reported that the poll was of 371 Americans, and that 92% approved of the "Plan." So what if they suddenly found three more voters and somehow dropped 5 percentage points, its still a lot of people and it proves that Billy Jack's plan will work.
How will it work?
Well, Billy Jack didn't win the New Hampshire primary as planned, but he could still win the Presidency with the "National Campaign of 7 Separate National Events to educate all of Mainstream America regarding the need to Vote for a candidate who has a Plan to end the war as the only way to Save our Troops, end the war, and stop the holocaust of bloodshed and horror in Iraq and the entire Middle East."
Yes, seven, it will take seven steps to educate mainstream America to join an unprecedented nationwide Movement to stop the wars, start winning the war on terror, and by this unique education, restore America to its role as the strongest, most moral nation on earth. Wow! Seven steps to stop the war and start winning the war all at the same time! That Billy Jack is a genius!
The First Step is... informercials! Two of them!
The first one will be filled with the testimony of all of the intelligence officers, military leaders and civilians who will give incontrovertible evidence proving that Bush had approved invasion and permanent occupation plans for Iraq before 9/11, even before he was sworn in, and then Cheney and Rumsfeld created their own secret intelligence units to manufacture all the false reports about WMD, nuclear weapons, etc. to stampede the Congress and America into the war, which was always for control of the oil in the Middle East -- and that’s just the first of dozens of impeachable crimes they committed.
and the second?
This second infomercial will show the enormous cost in human life all over the world our invasion for oil has cost the human race, and created an unprecedented world hatred that fuels the worldwide war of terror against America. This infomercial will show how we can use that money better to cure hunger, disease and tyrannical genocide – from Darfur and Sudan to Latin American slums, to hunger and homelessness in America - restoring America as the moral city on the hill, and taking a colossal step in stopping the hatred of America as an imperialistic bloodthirsty beast and making Americans safer in the war on terror.
The other steps in Billy Jack's Plan? Well, other steps include a Rally and Vigil, and a documentary, and a concert of comedians and musicians, and an "Internet Impeachment Inquiry and Trial of Bush and Cheney" conducted right there on Billy Jack's website!
Wait, don't laugh, it could happen! He's Billy Jack remember? He will make it happen, with his feet maybe. In the movie Billy Jack, they said he can kill you with his feet. But don't worry, that was a long time ago and Billy Jack is a pacifist anyway and that means he doesn't like killing, even with his feet. And he's what, seventy years old? Presumably his feet killing days are over. But in the past Billy Jack could kill you. With his feet. So you should vote for him, m'kay?
And the Final Step... well, the Final Step is what I am sure America and the rest of the world have been anxiously awaiting for the past 35 years - another Billy Jack Movie!!!!!
The most powerful weapon of all - A brand new Billy Jack film -- BILLY JACK'S CRUSADE to End the War and Restore America to its Moral Purpose by the only way possible - Impeaching Bush and Cheney. A worldwide network of the new Billy Jack film premieres on the same day to give the biggest megaphone ever to those who want to end the war, bring true peace, freedom and democracy to Iraq, and stop the dismantling of our Constitution
Wow! The New Billy Jack Movie is gonna be the most powerful weapon of all, presumbably more powerful than even Billy Jack's powerful killer feet! It will be so powerful that it will probably impeach Bush and Cheney right there in the movie man! Like wow. He could do it! He's Billy Jack! But wait! There's more!!!
Just as the original Billy Jack, Billy Jack’s Crusade will be a non-stop powerful melodrama. Billy Jack and Jean will be “Obewon Kenobis” passing down their wisdom and mantle to a younger Billy Jack and Jean, and today’s idealistic rebels struggling against all of the enormous pressures assaulting young people today. Think of Forrest Gump whereby Forrest appears on screen and talks with John Kennedy, and you’ll get a hint of how real this unique film will be.
OMG!!! Obewon Billy Jack and Obewon Jean! Idealistic Rebels struggling! Forrest Gump and John Kennedy together at last! Wow! But wait! There's more!
There are 5 other more controversial themes in the film -- 5 more powerful, insightful, and more important themes than the political theme, including 4 highly emotional, exciting love stories that focus on the human dimension. Like the original Billy Jack, it is an uplifting “10-handkerchief” tearjerker!
Billy Jack and Jean and Obewon Kenobi! Five themes even more important than poliitcs! Four love stories! Love and impeachment! Wow! Of course, there's more:
A key ingredient of the original Billy Jack was Billy teaching how to become a real man, and Jean on how to become a real woman in highly dramatic and emotional scenes. The new Billy Jack will do the same for today’s youth.
Oh teachings! Teachings! What are Billy Jack and Jean teachings? Well...
What is a real man? and What is a real woman? and... The difference between Sex and Eros. and... Why are 30% of 13-year olds giving oral sex once a week? and... Government contractors lie about the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste dump. and... How to become a woman and stop being an “MT” (masturbation tool). and... The root cause of sex and violence. and.... Major wars caused by leaders needing to prove they were real men. and....Major reason President Johnson escalated in Vietnam. There will also be: Humanitarian and Environmental Themes. and... Psychology & Religion. and... Billy Jack's "Manifesto" - "Book" of Principles and Proverbs
Something for everyone! I guess we should just be grateful that they're not teaching us how to be a good actor.
Billy Jack and Jean have all the answers to all of the world's problems and if we send them lots of money, they will teach us everything we need to know, Obewon Kenobi style, in the New Billy Jack Movie! Whew. Hurray for Hollywood!
If Romney, McCain or Guiliani get the nod from the GOP, guess who I'm voting for?
UPDATE: Thanks Boazo!
Now, is that presidential or what?
Posted by LindaSoG at January 21, 2008 06:11 AM
Comments
I'll still think of the Drive-In Movies whenever I hear the name "Billy Jack." Maybe we DO need a return to the moral purpose of the Billy Jack films... Kick the crap out of the bad guys... Wasn't that the moral of his stories?
Does this mean you're switching your support from Ron Paul to Billy Jack???
Posted by: oceanguy at January 21, 2008 09:28 AM
WTF? My head is spinning. Are you saying we have to watch "Jean" and "Billy" have.......you know?
Yuck.
Are they gonna stick an ice cream cone in Potus's face and pour flour on Laura? Then Fred! shows up across the street, cooly walks in and beats Billy and Jean to a friggin pulp using only his Logic?
Now that I would watch.
Wollf
Posted by: howlsatmoon at January 21, 2008 02:41 PM
"If Romney, McCain or Guiliani get the nod from the GOP, guess who I'm voting for?"
R0n P4ul?
Heh!
Posted by: Andy at January 21, 2008 05:13 PM
Howlsatmoon, you have me howling!!
Linda, how could you spend so much of your webspace on this joke? At least consider Chuck Norris after the Huckaflashinthepan fades.
FRED!
Posted by: mech at January 21, 2008 06:55 PM
OMG Linda. The guy has gone full tilt boazo. All I had to do was see all those butons of subjects on the left of his site and said "Oh, Boy. He is a goner for sure." And just for the heck of it I clicked on the 'dreams' button and then I saw him and said "Whoely Cow. A Grandpaw!" He surely has his own little card table at Thanksgiving--in the basement! What a wacko!!!
Posted by: auspatriotman at January 21, 2008 08:12 PM
Is it a full moon again?
Posted by: raz0r at January 21, 2008 10:11 PM
Hey, no full moon jokes. I'm sensitive about those.
Wollf
Posted by: howlsatmoon at January 22, 2008 03:19 AM
It's simple, just yield to the bully on the block and they'll leave you alone, give them what they want,this is about what one would expect from the land of whispering bushes. It worked for the Bolsheviks from it's beginning in 1903 through it's totalitarianism from 1922 to 1991, with over 70 years of oppression, Tom Laughlin is going to save us for that. It's the same fantasy that got Gray Davis recalled, do nothing during an energy crisis but play tiddlywinks. Put on your beads and sandals, go back to smoking the weed and nibbling on the peyote Tom you're no Boshevik but you'd sure follow one, you are reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland's Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb, but hey it was California that got the Swartzenegger side of the Kennedy Clan into their governor's mansion, they'd have him in the Whitehouse too but for one small sticking point, he's an imported alien. Then there is Stuart Smally running on the truth and honesty platform as Al Franken in the Land O' Ellison, Minnesota.
Posted by: Jack at January 22, 2008 12:10 PM
After seeing that I need to take a giant dump
Posted by: cuchieddie at June 17, 2008 09:53 PM